All The Small Things
by Lamia of the Dark
Summary: A collection of short unrelated oneshots covering all the jokes and unused plot bunnies that didn't make it into my fics. Will be full of crack, fluff, all kinds of crazy stuff, etc. Lots of Bella, but includes other characters. NEW: True Indentity
1. My Pet

**DISCLAIMER: All things Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling.**

**A/N: "All The Small Things" is a collection of all the bits and pieces and random plot bunnies. (Like my "A Million Little Things" for Phoenix Wright and "Every Little Thing" for DEATHNOTE) Yes, the title is from that blink182 song. Just about every character will be featured in here at some point, doing something.**

-- My Pet --

Bellatrix was sitting on the floor, with Nagini curled around her waist. (Contrary to popular belief, these two get along quite well with each other.) The snake's head rested in her lap and Bella stroked Nagini's shining scales lovingly.

Then Lord Voldemort walked into the room and saw what was going on.

"Don't do that," he said sharply. "You'll spoil my pet if you're too indulgent with her."

Nagini raised her head from Bella's lap to look at Voldemort. _Who are you talking to, me or her? _the snake hissed.

_If I'd been talking to you, I would have spoken in Parseltongue_, Voldemort replied.

He hadn't realized that Bella qualified as a pet...

-end-

**A/N: ch 2 features an alternate version of this.**


	2. My Snake

**DISCLAIMER: same as always.**

**A/N: a retake of the previous scene...**

-- My Snake --

Bellatrix was sitting on the floor, with Nagini curled around her waist. (Contrary to popular belief, these two get along quite well with each other.) The snake's head rested in her lap and Bella stroked Nagini's shining scales lovingly.

Then Lord Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy walked into the room and saw what was going on.

Lucius turned to Voldemort and said, "You let her play with your snake?"

"Why do you look so surprised, Lucius?" Voldemort asked, sounding amused. "She plays with my snake all the time."

"That... sounded really dirty..."

-end-

**A/N: Expect frequent updates. I take requests. And remember, reviews are love. O.o Except when they are hate.**


	3. It's Open Season On Christmas Carols

**DISCLAIMER: Still not mine. I could swear I had a copy of Book 6 but I can't find it anywhere...**

**A/N: I know it's the wrong time of year for Christmas fics. But this is funny.**

-- It's Open Season On Christmas Carols --

Two things Lucius Malfoy has always regretted: a) being mistaken for a girl when he was little because of his long pretty hair, and b) crying to his mother whenever this happened.

Two things Lucius Malfoy is just starting to regret a little bit: a) marrying Narcissa, and b) joining the Death Eaters.

Two things Lucius Malfoy does NOT regret: a) getting so drunk at the Death Eaters' Christmas party that he stood up on a table and sang "Rodolphus the Red-faced Death Eater" (to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"), and b) being punched afterward by his brother-in-law. (It was SO totally worth it just to see the looks on Rodolphus and Bellatrix's faces...)

-end-

**A/N: if anyone can come up with the actual lyrics to that, I'd love to see them. (I'll give you 90 pts.)**


	4. Rodolphus the Redfaced Death Eater

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own. Anything.**

**A/N: Who wants to see Lucius get drunk and sing? Here's your wish, then...**

-- Rodolphus the Red-faced Death Eater --

Did you hear that Lucius Malfoy got so drunk at the Death Eaters' Christmas party that he stood on a table and sang "Rodolphus the Red-faced Death Eater" (to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)?

The song went something like this:

"Rodolphus the red-faced Death Eater

Screwed up his mission so bad

That if you ever saw him

You'd want to kick him in the nads!

All of the other Death Eaters

Laughed and called him names

They wouldn't let Rodolphus join in

Their muggle-killing games!"

Then he threw in several verses about Bellatrix being a whore, before ending the song with:

"Then one night the Dark Lord

Came to say

'You're such a stupid idiot

Get the hell out of my way!' "

And it was at that point that Rodolphus punched Lucius in the face.

-end-


	5. Off In The Woods

**DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. And the boards, saw, and screws. Now build me a birdhouse, damn it!**

**A/N: this chapter takes place during OOTP.**

-- Off In The Woods --

One night at dinner, the twins asked Sirius what his favorite Quidditch team was.

"Off In The Woods," Sirius replied immediately.

"Never heard of them," said George.

"Really?" said Sirius, grinning. "No one can beat them!"

"Oh, yeah?" said Fred. "I bet (insert name of the twins' favorite Quidditch team here) are going to beat-"

The rest of his answer was cut off, because Lupin had come up behind him and clamped his hand firmly over Fred's mouth.

"Think about what you were just going to say, and how that would have sounded," Lupin intoned quietly, and removed his hand. He turned to Sirius. "And that joke wasn't funny back when you and James used to pull it, either!"

Sirius just laughed.

-end-

**A/N: do you get it?**


	6. No, YOU'RE a ferret!

**DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, as does my mortal soul.**

- No, YOU'RE a ferret! -

"What is it the kids call you?" Rodolphus Lestrange said to Draco Malfoy. "Malfoy the marvelous bouncing ferret, isn't it?"

Close enough.

"Shut up!" Draco snapped. "Isn't Rodolphus the name of the blind pet ferret in that muggle movie _Along Came Polly_?"

-insert lolz here-

**A/N: The blind ferret's name is actually Rodolfo. I love that movie.**


	7. You What Now?

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not even own all the books. (And I lost one of the ones I did own.)**

-- You What Now? --

Remus Lupin turned to his new wife, Nymphadora Tonks (who'd kept her maiden name so people could still call her Tonks) and said, "So, now that we're married what do you want to do?"

To which Tonks replied thoughtfully, "I think I'll quit being an auror. I'm ready to settle down and start a family... and open a pie shop in London."

-end-

**If you don't know why this is funny:** Now that she's married to Lupin, she's Mrs. "Moony".

**If you STILL don't know why this is funny:** Listen to the song "The Worst Pies in London" from Sweeney Todd.


	8. Animal Instincts

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

- Animal Instincts -

Professor McGonagall always dreaded the first lesson when a new class of Transfiguartion students began studying Animagi, because she always got questions like this:

"Professor, did you ever eat a mouse?"

"No," she answered crossly. "I have never eaten a mouse. Just because I take an animal form does not mean that I have that animal's instincts when I am transformed."

There was a short silence followed by the skritching of quills as the students hurried to make note of that.

"... and mice are harder to catch than you'd think."

-end-


	9. Sensitive

**DISCLAIMER: I'd have to say ping-pong balls.**

- Sensitive -

"You know," Bellatrix said thoughtfully to Lord Voldemort. "Men can be just as sensitive as women."

"If you're talking about _love_ again, I don't want to hear it!" Voldemort snapped.

"I wasn't talking about love!" she replied indignantly.

"Then, what _were_ you talking about?" he asked, nonplussed.

She laid her hands on his chest and flashed him a sexy smile.

"Nipples."

-end-


	10. Mystery Meat

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.**

**A/N: This takes place after the ending of Deathly Hallows, with Harry and his family.**

-- Mystery Meat --

Harry introduced Ron to the muggle sport of Hunting and they brought down a deer. They each took half of the meat home.

That night at dinner, Al said the meat looked funny and asked Harry what kind of meat it was.

Harry replied, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother calls me."

A moment of bewildered silence, then-

"DON'T EAT IT!" James yelled. "IT'S A FUCKING DICK!"

-end-


	11. Handcuffs and Hot Wax

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. In fact, I own so much nothing, it's not even funny.**

-- Handcuffs and Hot Wax --

Voldemort sighed.

"What am I going to do with you, Bellatrix?" he said, sounding completely exasperated. It's hard to find a punishment that actually works when the person you're punishing is a masochist...

"I have a few ideas of things you could do with me," she replied suggestively.

"Oh really? Let me guess, they involve handcuffs and hot wax?"

"What are handcuffs?" she asked, nonplussed.

Oops, he'd forgotten. Handcuffs were a muggle thing.

While he was trying to think of a way to cover his blunder, she was already off of that thought and wondering what the hell the hot wax would be used for...

**Reviews: love.**


	12. Other Things It Could Have Involved

**DISCLAIMER: same as usual.**

**A/N: a re-take of the last chapter, with other lines I could have used.**

-- Other Things It Could Have Involved --

"Does it involve a leather outfit and a whip?"

* * *

"Does it involve a candle, a champange flute, and badly scripted dialogue?"

* * *

"Does it involve your sister?"

"Why would it involve my sister?"

"Cause that would be HOT."

* * *

"Does it involve rope and honey?"

* * *

"Does it involve a cowboy hat, a prom dress, and two rubber ducks?"


	13. Why's She So Bad?

**DISCLAIMER: Devon won't go to heaven.**

-- Why's She So Bad? --

One night after the Death Eaters' meeting, Voldemort pulled Rodolphus aside and asked a question that had been bothering him recently...

"Why is Bella so bad at giving blowjobs?"

Rodolphus didn't really know how to answer that question.

"Um... because you're the only man who'd ever dare to _ask her for one_?"


	14. Little White Flying Cat Things

**DISCLAIMER: Severed, now and forever.**

-- Little White Flying Cat Things --

"Are you... are you calling me one of those little white flying cat things from Final Fantasy that run around going 'kupo'?!"

"No, Dudley... not _Moogle_..."


	15. How Snakes Have Sex

**DISCLAIMER: same as usual.**

-- How Snakes Have Sex --

_What were you just doing with her?_ Nagini hissed, slithering up onto the bed so she could look Voldemort in the face.

Is it possible for a snake to look curious and confused? And also how was he supposed to put it in words that a mere animal would understand?

Voldemort sighed and closed his eyes. _Mating_, he answered in Parseltongue.

Then he had to explain the details of it to his poor, confused pet.

"What was that all about?" Bellatrix asked, after all the hissing ended and Nagini slitehred away.

"Did you know that when snakes have sex, they hold completely still for hours?"

"I didn't know that." But it didn't really answer her question, either.

"She was confused about what we were doing, especially considering how much biting was involved..."

- end -


	16. Searing Flesh

**DISCLAIMER: not mine.**

-- Searing Flesh --

Today is the day.

The day I finally get the Mark and become one of the Death Eaters.

The Dark Lord placed his wand against my wrist.

The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before.

I tried not to think of the words _searing flesh_.

- end -

**A/N: Yes, I know most of you are thinking the narrator for this was Bellatrix (because I am obsessed with her) but it doesn't really matter which Death Eater it was... just any random one of them...**

**50 pts to anyone who gets the reference.**


	17. Did You Know?

**DISCLAIMER: still not mine.**

**A/N: I needed a break from Bitter Echo so I've written something completly ridiculous once again.**

-- Did You Know? --

To help in their fight against the Dark Lord, the Golden Trio were learning more about snakes.

"Did you know that when snakes have sex they hold completly still for _hours_?" Ron asked in amazement, looking up from the nature magazine he was reading.

"Did you know that most snakes are cannibals?" Hermione countered.

"Did you know that male sharks have two penises?" Harry interjected.

The other two looked at him funny.

"We're supposed to be looking for information about snakes, Harry."

-end-

**A/N: Yes, I re-used the little snake fact that I already told you in the "How Snakes Have Sex" chapter. And yes, the thing about sharks is true.**

**Reviews: love.**


	18. Bella Is Mad At Me

**DISCLAIMER: O.o**

-- Bella Is Mad At Me --

Bellatrix: What the hell are you thinking, starting a new fic when you're already behind on writing so much of your crap because of Bitter Echo?

LazyCatfish27: Don't worry about what goes on in my mind... seriously, just don't...

Bellatrix: And I'm already more pregnant in Bitter Echo than I am in The Death Prince!!

LazyCatfish27: No, you're at about the same stage in both right now. Why, did you want (spoiler deleted) to be born before (name still being voted on)?

Bellatrix: And what the hell is with my child in The Phoenix being some kind of weird monster?!

LazyCatfish27: Shut up! I wasn't even planning a sequel to Nothing From Nowhere at all until I got that idea!

Bellatrix: _Crucio!_

LazyCatfish27: ^_______^

Bellatrix:...

LazyCatfish27: Again, please!

Bellatrix: Wait, you... _liked_ that?

LazyCatfish27: MOAR.

Bellatrix: You're insane.

LazyCatfish27: You have no idea. Compared to me, _you_ are passably sane. And that's really saying something. Especially if we are talking about movie-version Bella. Well, I'ma go eat a sammich now. Let's fight moar later!

-end-


	19. Overheard

**DISCLAIMER: ^_^**

-- Overheard --

Rodolphus was walking past the Dark Lord's room. He had no intention of stopping, but then he overheard voices talking inside the room and stopped to listen...

"No, not like that..."

"Like _this_,then?"

"Ohhhh, yes, Bella... Right there... Harder..."

Then there was silence except for muted sounds of pleasure. And when those stopped...

"How does it feel now, my lord?"

"All the stiffness is gone."

"Then... I'll go now..."

"You don't have to leave yet, Bella."

"...? My lord, did you want me to massage something besides your shoulders?"

-end-


	20. True Story

**DISCLAIMER: O_o**

-- True Story --

When the OOTP movie came out, this happened.

LazyCatfish27: Yay! Order of the Phoenix has my favorite character in it!!

Mom: Who's your favorite character?

Little brother: Yeah, who's your favorite?

LazyCatfish27:.................... LUNA LOVEGOOD.

Mom: lol.

Little brother: What? That's stupid.

- true story -

**(my brother is only 10 and my mom read all the books to him out loud)**

**A/N: As I'm sure all of you have realized, my favorite character is actually Bellatrix. But I was too embarassed to admit that to my family. Needless to say, they also have no clue that I write fanfiction.**


	21. Take It

**DISCLAIMER: plz dun punch me in the eye O_x**

-- Take It --

The Dark Lord was walking past Snape's room with no intention of stopping when he overheard Snape yelling at someone...

"Take it, Bella, take it _all_!"

Wait, what the hell?! What was she doing in there, with Snape of all people? So, of course, Voldemort decided to eavesdrop.

"Swallow it," Snape commanded.

A brief silence, followed by the sound of something fragile breaking.

"_I hate you_," Bella hissed.

"And I wish you wouldn't act like such a child when it's time to take your medicine!" Snape snapped. "Now you'll have to wait while I make a new batch..."

-end-


	22. Let's Be Porn Stars Together!

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, that.**

-- Let's Be Porn Stars Together! --

"You have _such_ a porn star name."

"What? No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do, _Rod Lestrange_."

"Well, if you married me _your_ name would be _Bellatrix Lestrange_ and we could be porn stars together."

"...Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, I'll marry you. Not the porn star thing, I know you were joking about that."

_Um, hello? I was joking about the getting married thing, too... But I can't tell her that or she'll curse my face off._

-end-


	23. Other Explanations For Why She's Bad

**DISCLAIMER: Ha...**

-- Other Explanations For Why She's Bad --

"Because when Bella does something she doesn't like doing, generally the other person suffers."

* * *

"Because I like having a face."

"...... you what now?"

"She'd curse my face off."

* * *

"Because Bella believes sex is a full-contact sport."

* * *

"Because then she'd expect me to do the same for her and I don't want to."

* * *

"Because that just doesn't involve enough bondage for her."

* * *

"_What?!_ She's great at them! She was probably just nervous because it's _you_, my lord..."


	24. Wrong Speech

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own.**

-- Wrong Speech --

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else - wait, wrong speech... Touka koukan - wrong speech... Fourscore and seven years ago - wrong speech... Survival of the fittest. If you're strong you live. If you're weak, you die - wrong speech... TOTAL PERFECTION - wrong speech... They all deserve to die! Tell you why, Mrs, Lovett, tell you why - wrong speech... _oh, fuck it! Let's go kill some Muggles!_"

-end-

**A/N: Yes, even the Dark Lord has those kind of days... and can't remember what he was going to talk about...**

**references (in the order they appear): Fight Club, Fullmetal Alchemist (Touka koukan is "equivalent exhange" the principle alchemy is based on), The Gettysburg Address, Rurouni Kenshin (it's the villain Shishio's motto, and it's repeated about 1000 times during the Kyoto arc), Phoenix Wright (specifically the character Manfred von Karma), Epiphany from Sweeney Todd.**


	25. Bella And Various Others Are Mad At Me

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, that.**

-- Bella And Various Others Are Mad At Me --

Bellatrix: You! Why do you keep making everyone pregnant?

LazyCatfish27: Um... actually I'm female so technically I can't make anyone pregnant.

Bellatrix: I'm pregnant in two of your stupid fics and at the rate you're writing them, Anastasia is going to be born before (spoiler deleted)!!

LazyCatfish27: And... how do YOU - even in two separate fics - constitute "everyone"?

Bellatrix: It's not just me! Max is pregnant, Marla is pregnant, Franziska and Lana are pregnant-

LazyCatfish27: Actually, Franziska had a miscarriage.

Bellatrix: How dare you interrupt me!

LazyCatfish27: What you gonna do about it, crucio me? ^__^

Bellatrix: No, you'd enjoy that. I'll give out spoilers for The Death Prince by telling everyone that (whispers so only LazyCatfish27 can hear) is gonna get pregnant.

Jacob: Leah's pregnant!

Mrs. Lovett: My slutty daughter is pregnant!

LazyCatfish27: Oh... I guess I do have a lot of unresolved pregnancies going on right now. lol.


	26. Full Moon Mischief

**DISCLAIMER: So I was brushing my teeth naked when...**

-- Full Moon Mischief --

The young Marauders and Snape were gathered in the headmaster's office.

"Now, boys, what is this all about?" Dumbledore asked pleasantly.

"I don't know, professor. What's it all about?" Sirius asked, sounding as though he really didn't know. It was one of his many talents: playing dumb so well that people didn't know he was _playing_.

"You know what it's about," Snape fumed. "I clearly heard you four talking about one of you _getting hairy at the full moon_."

James turned to Sirius and said, "Well, if he's that bent out of shape about it, I guess you really _should_ shave your bum before I depants you in public."

-end-

**A/N: Quick thinking FTW.**


	27. Bella Is Mad At Me, Take 3

**DISCLAIMER: Here it goes again.. **

-- Bella Is Mad At Me, Take 3 --

Bellatrix: You're an idiot. You know that, right?

LazyCatfish27: ...

Bellatrix: You started another fic AGAIN! You haven't even finished "If I Go To Hell, Will You Come With Me?", you're totally writer's-blocked on "Go Ascend With Ivy" and another character is PREGNANT in your new fic!

LazyCatfish27: Okay, jeezle peets, I think we've established that I'm an idiot already.

Bellatrix: And you're going to make Yumi pregnant in "If I Go To Hell", aren't you?

LazyCatfish27: Sadly, no. But I do have evil plans for Kyoko in an as-yet-unposted fic.

Reino: I love you.

LazyCatfish27:You're welcome, baby... But you know Ren and Sho are gonna want to kill you, right?

Reino: But you wouldn't let that happen to me in your fics, would you? You love me too much for that!

Bellatrix: Yeah, right. She tortures the characters she loves. Hell, she even killed me off in a couple of her fics...

LazyCatfish27: ONLY ONE.

Bellatrix: That you remember.

Lazycatfish27:... ... were there more?

-until next time-


	28. Credit Where Credit ISN'T Due

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, that.**

-- Credit Where Credit ISN'T Due --

Headline from the Daily Prophet: _Mysterious Deaths All Over England, Muggle Newspapers Blame It On Psychic Serial Killer 'Kira'_

- that is all -


	29. Action Figure

**DISCLAIMER: I am now the proud owner of a Bellatrix Lestrange action figure. She's on top of my bookshelf along with Sephiroth, Light Yagami, Riza Hawkeye, Sailor Chibi-moon, two stuffed dragons and an L plushie who's holding a plushie Tootsie Roll. I moved Yoruichi, Renji, two Turtwigs, Two Piplups, Jiraiya, Tsunade, Orochimaru, Dark Magician and Ichigo to my window legde and already-crowded dressertop to make room for her.**

-- Action Figure --

Lucius: What's that?

Bellatrix: It's a "poseable action figure". Apparently, Muggles don't think we're real and treat our history like a storybook, which for some reason has been deemed appropriate for children even with all the torturing and killing that's in it, and children like to play with action figures of characters from their favorite stories. They even make the villain characters into action figures,so the "good" characters have someone to fight... Look, this one's me!

Lucius: ...even your action figure looks insane.

-end-

**A/N: It really does :D**


	30. Voldemort's True Identity

**DISCLAIMER:** **All things Harry Potter belong to JKR. (Not to be confused with The Joker.) All other references belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: Just another random thing that popped into my head.**

-- Voldemort's True Identity --

Dumbledore: Now, about Lord Voldemort's true identity... he was once a boy called T-

Harry: Ooh, let me guess! He's actually from Lyra's world and Nagini is his daemon!

Ron: His new body looks all snakey cause he's actually a homonculus from when an alchemist tried to bring him back to life!

Hermione: He's actually a lost member of the Cobriana family!

Harry: He's actually Orochimaru!

Ron: He's actually a snake from Count D's pet shop!

Hermione: He's actually Jigsaw!

Harry: He's Kira!

Hermione: He's Tyler Durden!

Harry: He's Kaiser Soze!

-end-

**Reviews are love.**


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